we finnally said it.
it happened just how i didn't want to.
but i loved it all the same.
i wish i was able to remeber the exact date butttt i can't.
i wanted to write in here so bad like right after but i couldn't cuz my stupid comnputer.
eiether way.
now you know.

14

 so i'ts about 7.30 in the morning and im still pretty drunk
im likeing it. 
hhahah. 
frankies rents went away soooo we've been having ppl over everynight and last night got a littlemore wild then expected.
it's really qwierd cuz dana's around all the time. lol i love it but it's crazy
she talks about jan alot...thats tough...but she knows the deal. 
i'v ebeen kind of confiding in her about alot of things. 
and she agrees with me on alot of it. 
i told her how yesterday i chit chateed with joe for like 2 hours about life in general and friends and kind of jusr vented to him about how fucked shit was.
it felt really good to be able tot alk to someone who has no idea who anyone is you know.
i haven't been able to do that in a long time. 
 he told me he thinks im not over jana and im still stuck on her and i talk tobritt b.c she's so close to her that somehow i get a kick out of it. 
i don't know if thats true or false but i don't doubt it at all.
but w.e fuck it right?
ill get over it someday. 


wow i just took the best poop ever.
felt nice.


anyways...i got real drunk the other night and i think i scared frankie away by telling him not to be scared.
i don't think that was a good idea. 
i didn't mean to come off the way i did...but i did. 
hahah. if that makes sense to you. 
i put it out there.
but w.e 
and then last night he was the drunky one and basically said that he couldn't stop thinking about what i had said and it made him feel a ccertian way. 
but i mean what am i supposed to say?
it's been a while...ill wait a while longer....like a lot longer...just sucks...but ill wait til the day comes.
i think im just more mature if you will...
oh well. 
he's great and seriously i don't wanna fuck it up b.c i  haven't had sex with him. 
im good though. ill be okay. 
i got my damn self.
hahaha wink wink. 
ew that sounds horrible. i should just erase that.
oh well w.e 
anyways...he's seriously the best guy i've met in a long time and i really want it to work out to my advanage,
so im gonna keep my mouth shut and wait for a good time. 
it's completly respectable.
and i think it makes me want him even more.
ahhhhh im so drunk i should just stop. 
goodbye it's too early for this.

 


hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaa. 

well.
im still going strong with him. and you know...i really do pick ppl apart and focus in on their worst habbits and problems when really i should be helping them be stronger and fix their probs. but u know some ppl just don't need to change. i need to realize that. obviously theyve been doing jhust fine. i need to focus on myself more. im always trying to fix everyone else probs and not my own. basically just making more for myself. simply put...im always getting bored with certian ppl. mainly ppl i date and such. u know i don't do it on purpose i really don't. it's almost out of habbit. i like i the chase i like that whole i like u thing so lets flirt via w.e i can get my hands on. it's really not good for me. it shouldn't be good foranyone but w.e. u know it's almost like i think about ppl way to much. like as soon as something comes up that goes really well i end up chit chating with an ex. i don't go out looking for them they just come crawling back like little babies. i love it but i hate it alll the same. it's pathetic really but what can i say? anyways...basically i have to learn to stop[ myself b4 going back in other open wounds. i need to let them heal properly b4 fucking with them. i hear ryans doing okay wich is nice to know. im happy he's alive lol. that's about it. fucked up it sounds...but u don't know the situation. i hear jds going down the drain niug lost his job and all kinds of things. life fucked up...u gotta take care of yourself in order to get anything in return. listen wise one im smart. belive me. sometimes i am. lol. sooo. i don't know. i hate the internet no adays. i used t be so addic ted to this shit. i used to love putting up new pictures and shit but now i can't stand it. it's almost like just blunty putting yourself out there to be watched 24 7... i don't wanna do it antymorer. im over it. i mean shit...i don't mind new pictures and shit. but im done with talking to ppl on there and shit. im over ita lllll. and im prettyu much over this shit too unless i really need to vent basically. me and tay had a blast the other day drinking all fucking day and then we went tokellys wich was ASS. so we bounced back over to tays place and hyst got shitty like we always do. fuck it. i was fucked up all day. and the 17th is my best friends bithday. i can't fucking wait. it's gonna be fun. no mnatter what we do. love you nig. but peace bitches im out. this shit is waccckkk.

 shorty call and ill answer...
you know that.



just wanted to make sure you knew that shit. 
mutal friends or not.

im sorry your plans didn't go exactly how you wanted them. im sorry you got kicked to the side to show your true sides. and now, now i have nothing for you. i did love you. i had so much love for you i thought we could be something. but now that im not so stuck in that time period and i take a look back. it wasn't anything. you aren't even on the very short list of lovers. or list of w.e you would like to call yourself. i don't consider you and ex. i consider you a habbit. you were something i had to overcome in order to see myself from another point of view. i loved how we acted when we were happy and around each other. but every minute away from you just kept getting, i don't wanna say better, b.c that's not true. but just something happened to me. and i saw what i was doing to you. and i saw what i was doing to myself. im not that person. i can't be there to look after you. you were a responsibility that i felt i needed to keep safe and out of trouble. and no matter how much i tried. you kept going and pushing. that wore me down. i felt like brakes on an old ass piece of shit. you wore me down to the core completly. it sucked.i wished something could have come after 'us'. i liked being 'friends' with you. i liked being myself around you. i liked the fun we had. but then you went and jipped me of my heart. i loved you. and you went and turned it all around on me. i tried so hard to look past all the bullshit and just be with YOU. you meaning your heart. your brain. your insides. everything about you. i wanted to crawl into your head and rest for a while. that's all. was that so much to ask? and honestly... when you wanted me to hear you out and hear your side of the story. i had no time for that. NO TIME. like your story would be so different from anything else? you didn't give me the respect to tell me what had happened first off, you didn't give me the respect to not do it. so, i didn't give you the respect you wanted outta that phone call. i pity the fool who has no idea what that word means. i think your great on the inside. i just hope someone see's that. and can handle your outside. im done with it. and to be honest with you. i feel like your dead to me. thank god i don't live in the same town as you...i wouldn't know what to do. but now that it's all said and done, im outta there. i hope your friends keep you together and someone breaks that chain and gets you away from it. im still gonnna listen to everything we listened to. im still gonna wear the chain you bought me. and the shirt you'll never get back. im still gonna go about my day to day. and yeah your gonna come up sometimes, but im gonna scratch you out. im gonna cratch out everything about you. i won't remeber you. what have i got to loose, when your not worth fighting for?




anyways...on a happier note.
i gave my nigga a chance...
and like i said, it went right back to how we were.
im happy to have you back in my life. 
i feel like im gonna be okay. 
everythings gonna be okay. 
im getting ALL my friedns back. 
cept alyssa.
but personally. 
she hasn't even tried and nor do i want her to. 
i don't even care anymore. 
im done worrying about it. 
halloweens' gonna be FUCKING AMAZING<3
matts gonna be my date. 
and we're gonna have such a good time. 
and say anything's on the 28th
so lets fucking get back into gear nigga and get on shit. 
lets go out and do our thing. 
shitt....tays' my love so she's welcome WHEREEVER WHENEVER.
and you know this versa<3
i love you bitches. 
lets go driving. hahaha!@!!!